Revisiting the story of my FIRST LOVE

Love is such an interesting and intriguing thing... for it is not a thing at all...it is an action.  God is love.  God is not dead, He lives and continues to live; therefore if Love is an action, and God is Love, that God lives and continues to act and pursue us, ... but this post is not about a theological study of God, but a love story of where it all began for me... a story I like to revisit, and a story we must all revisit ..so that we may REMEMBER...and that we may worship God for what He has done.

Age 8-ish to 10-ish:  I started wondering who God was, was he a cloud in the sky, was He sitting on a cloud?  was He flying above them somewhere?  I heard once that he listens...kind of like wishing on a star at night ...talking into the void pretending someone is there...  So I would talk up at the sky and say hello to God, the creator whom I did not know personally but was intrigued by.  more and more questions came to my heart..

Age 10:  My best friend invites me to Wednesday night bible studies, called:  GA's (Girls in Action), where they learn about missionaries, read the bible and even memorize bible verses...and play games why learning about this Jesus...I was having so much fun and everyone seemed so nice that I asked if I could come on a Sunday.  With that, my best friend brought me on a Sunday.  I loved these people!  They seemed so joyful, so full of love and compassion, so happy, and they help each other out.  I wish I could be a part of that.  With curiosity already there and wanting this fellowship, I heard the preacher saying: ...if you want to be a part of the family of God come and I will pray with you"...  of course a note to say that is the part I heard...and that's what I wanted...so I walked down the isle... took the preacher by the hand and we prayed.  Before the church and God they announced the decision I made...but right a way I thought...I"m not really sure I've done that...become a "christian" or a "sinner saved by grace" ...what was sinner..and what did grace mean?

3 years went by.....

Age 13:  three years of wearing a mask can get tiring!  3 years I faked it!  I said the right things, make choices like those church people would make, I even memorized some scripture, and I always smiled... ALL FAKE...and it was a battle that went on for not 1 night, not 1 year...but 3 years!  I started learning what it means to have a REAL personal RELATIONSHIP with the CREATOR, through the LORD JESUS, the puzzle pieces coming together, understanding my need of redemption...real redemption. 

SUMMER 1996:  Age 13:  for 3 years bottled up of knowing what I was, a fake, it was about to boil over.
Monday: at youth camp, day one: my convictions were stronger than ever: "Lord, just forget about me, I have mocked you, made myself a fake, claiming to have you as the ruler of my heart, ...Lord... just forget about me, I'm dirt, you do not want a liar like me being a part of your kingdom... there is no hope... .I do not deserve you..."
Tuesday: went by with continued battling, "but Lord what about all the lies I told to all the people at church at home? and what about my family who don't go to church and know about you...what a mess I'm in... why are you calling my name, why do you still want me?"
Wednesday was D-day:  (June 5, 1996):  Throughout the whole service I was battling within...and I mean a BATTLE, "Lord why are you giving me this opportunity, why would you love someone like me?..Lord I have mocked You and acted like I'm part of a circus, and my family already think this whole church thing is not really a big deal?..."  and when there was an open alter prayer time, this is the climax of the battle scene.  "I'm a sinner with no way to be connected with you accept through your son Jesus who died for me, defeated death for me, and is there to intercede.  I have nothing to offer accept ask for forgiveness, and an opportunity to a new life, where my old me is thrown away....but wait lord, what will the the others at home think?  They will judge me, my family will say I told you so, ...what shall I do."  **"Jamie, be still... and know that I AM GOD, I love you... I want to dwell in your heart and change your life forever, turn away from your old self...let ME transform you to a new creation"** 

I can smell the pine trees around me, hearing the song "I EXALT THEE" playing in the background, noticing the teens around me seeming to fade out and all the world around me soon fades to the background, no time even seems to exist, and it is just me and my BELOVED LORD whom, ...yes...I welcome in to rule my heart and my life.  And in that moment its like a burden was lifted off of my chest, and I had a joy I couldn't contain, and it was as if angels were singing joy with me... and I was changed FOREVER.  how lovely my BELOVED SAVIOUR is to have kept on pursuing me, after all I did to HIM.