I will Trust in You

shaking from the inside out
sometimes with doubt

choices to make
roads to take

But I will Trust in You

The truth I will lay before
my honesty all the more

how can this woman saved by grace
continue on in a steady pace
without you...

So I will Trust in You

with you I sit
and we talk a bit

and I'm captured by your fragrance
the peace found in your presence

I will trust in you

All my worries and trials
they can wait while
... I wait upon you

Those choices I make
those roads I must take

I will shout out
I will not doubt ... you

For I will trust in You

A treasure...to seek... and to give

We could each stand here right now and say that every person has a story.  And not all those stories are the same... there might be some similarities...or there might be no similarities whatsoever.  God knew from the dawn of creation what your story would be, and he knew, and still knows what the rest of your story will be.  It is a great adventure He has fearfully and wonderfully made for you...just the way he made you.

For the next person to come along your path, they don't have the same story as you, for you were made specifically diferent from that person so you would be unique and special by God and for His glory.  But for this person...think of the wonderful blessings they will get from hearing your "story"... it gives them a light to shine on how Mighty and Awesome God really is...seeing how He worked in Your life...and then turn the tables... think about the opportunity that they may share with you...to share the Awesomeness of God to you, so that you may see even more clearly the Reality of the Greatness of God.... Its not just a story... it is a treasure....

A treasure chest...full of jewels for you to reveal and share and admire how it was made and came about.  Running with this analogy:  when you want to show the beauty of what God is doing, you don't want to pour out all the jewels..for they will be overwhelmed.  Yet place one by one on the table before them...let them examine it, and appriciate it..and then share more... like seeking and finding a treasure...little bits at a time.. and recieving small beauties one piece at a time.

I have sat with friends who have shared their treasures with me piece by piece...and I feel like I leave the conversation rich with blessings...and more opportunities to go before my Lord and praise Him and be in awe of Him.

What treasures have you received?  What have you shared?  What can you share?  What can you praise God for, from a story you heard from a friend?  Think about these things...and be a treasure hunter, and a treasure giver.  Be a treasure... to seek ...and to give

Inspired to be Real

Inspired by my cousin, I feel I must say, it is hard to be real......

And when one is real... it is wonderful.  Most of the time we walk around being "somewhat" real but are so easily influenced by our daily routine or environment that we start to put on a show..or even worse, shell ourselves from the world around us.

I know that I walk each day, trying to be joyful of what my creator has done... but ladies and gentlemen.. I am real... I am human...and I have days where I don't feel like being joyful or I feel like I'm nothing.. I have had my times where sin becomes my buddy and I'm not quick to leave it.  Don't gasp as if it is a surprise, because you know that we have all been there.. in life where we could just care less.

Depression has knocked at my door and I have let him in..and he stayed a while... Defeat came..  I didn't want to fess up to the reality that I was there.  But when the moment came and I surrendered to be real with myself and God about it, thats when the healing came.  Was it easy? No.  Was it finally worth it? Yes.

Temptation knocks at my door every morning that I wake up...EVERY DAY... it can be hard at times, and when difficulty comes..thats when I find its time to fess up and call for help..  And I mean I have called upon a sister or brother in the Lord to hold me accountable, to pray for me, to encourage me.  Is it easy to ask for help? No.  Is it really worth it? Yes. 

For you and me:  Being real does not mean that you must go and tell the whole world your shortcomings.  Being real is the opportunity to grow, to learn more, to become more discerning, to shine a brighter and clearer light, ... You will find that being real will become treasures later on in life that you can share with others seeking truth, peace, understanding, and hope.

Start out your reality check right now:  make yourself vulnerable towards God.  And see what happens.

A Song to tell my story

Have you ever turned on the radio and said, "wow, that song describes ______ in my life perfectly"?  I'm sure it has.  The art of music was fashioned in human beings for a reason and with a great purpose for life. It shines light on things in life, it uplifts, it makes you laugh, it makes you cry, it expresses, anger, joy, sadness, love, life.  It touches the heart. There is a book I read about10 years ago that I need to read again:  "The Heart of the Artist" by: Rory Noland.  It takes an interesting perspective of the artists' talents towards ministering to others and glorifying God.

There is a specific song I want to share with you that explains EXACTLY how I felt when I sat right there at Silom Springs, Arkansas- Youth Camp Grounds, humble before the Lord, God Almighty in one of the pews near the back, battling out my final surrender till that night June 5th, 1996, as a 13 year old girl... finally saying, "Lord, Take my life, and make it yours.  I can't believe that you would want me, but yes I am nothing without you"  The song "Welcome Home" decrides exactly what it felt like once I surrendered in that beautiful moment.

I hope you enjoy this song:  Welcome Home    by:  Shaun Groves


Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded

Come inside this heart of mine
It's not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home

Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can

I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked, and still You knocked

You are on my mind: even though it wanders

On my mind

the rangers game
my cup of coffee
bills I need to pay
my friend in Ireland on a mission trip
my family
my friends
my neighbors are lound
my co-workers
wow I am blessed.
My future
I miss Russia
I still want to teach
will I ever get married
will I ever have kids
will the Lord say well done in the end
what will I I write in my will

I had fun tonight talking to friends who share the same spirit
I need to read more
I'm so glad the Lord forgives me each time I fail HIM
I am loved by my Beloved Savior

I wonder what tomorrow brings
my thoughts ...they wonder...they wander...they ponder...they praise...

But in the midst of it all...the best to think about is YOU: My Saviour

More than the watchmen

A song I want to share with you all as  I type this out in the early morning, touches my heart; something to dwell on before the sunrises.  Based on the scripture Psalm 130: 6  "My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning", David delcares His hope for God's redemption... a hope promised, not to be broken.  To express the level of "wait" from King David, He says even more than the watchmen, and repeats it AGAIN!  A watchman would patiently wait for the first signs of the dawn breaking through so that the guards could relieve them of their night shift.  David said even more so, his SOUL waits for the Lord.  This speaks levels!  In context a nation needed some change, and God's mercy was needed. 

Down below is a video of the song, not best quality but it gets the message across.  this song is sung by Rebecca St. James as she says, "Vulnerability and intimacy are two essentials in true worship- this song contains both"

"Out of the depths of my despair 
Oh I cry Father hear my voice 
Open Your ears to hear my mercy cry 
And if You kept a book of sin 
Oh Father, who'd be standing? 
But in Your goodness there is mercy and forgiveness 

More than the watchmen wait for morning 
My soul it waits for You 
More than the watchmen wait for morning 
More than the watchmen wait for morning 
My soul waits for You 
More than the watchmen wait for morning"

A Reality that people Ignore: Death

An old journal archive from Russia (Sept. 09, 2006):



Monastery: Seirgev Pasad- People attend mass

 "There are these times when I find myself thinking about death.  Like a little child we don't want to believe it happens, but it really does.  It might be today, tomorrow, next week, in 10 years... I will have to face death.. But by thinking about the reality of death, makes me think about the reality of my relationship with Jesus Christ.  It makes me question if I have truly trusted and believed that Christ can save me from eternal death- and the heart rejoices because I know that what I have living in me is real...

Now that makes me ponder on how I can actually live the reality of my life.  Do I just go up to people and smile and say very shyly that I love Jesus?  Do I get stuck in a pattern where my spirit goes knumb- wake up every Sunday, sing the songs, open the bible - not really reading it, and sitting durning the service while the preacher proclaims the truth and the instructions to be transformed- yet not respond at all.  What should the reality be?  I know this for sure...  for me to keep my eyese on Jesus, not looking to the left or the right- or Satan will surely, pull me down.  I should wake up each day and seek to fall more inlove with the Savior- to draw closer to Him. 



begger at Seirgev Pasad: God loves all.

  With this understanding how can I live a dull life?  It shakes the soul.  Now, since Christ is in me, He puts a love in me that I never had before- a love that would do anything for another person.  So I walk around seeing so many faces... so many.... and I wonder how many of them have thought about death, and how many have found the victory over death in Jesus... I wonder how many of them feel like they are doomed- that there is no hope at all.  I wonder if they have tried to convince themselves that they won't face death- and try not to think about it. 

 It will always be something scary to think about, but to know the- rest of the story- the victory after the physical death... it brings an overwhelming joy and peace to the soul.  So, in conclusion, I see that the reality for me is to live in the truth- to be a light to this dark, cold world.  To be as real as  Ican be about the love I found when I was 13- changing my destiny right there, for eternity.  Death is real- Jesus is real.  You can only be one:  
1.  Be born once-Die Twice
2.  Be born twice-Die Once"

Beautiful and Mighty

Today I went on a beautiful walk by a pond after working out. 

I looked up, "Thank you God for these beautiful clouds with the sun rays spilling out between them" (click-I take a picture)

I walked towards the bridge, "Thank you God for your surrounding beauty as I walk acrossthis bridge" (click- I take another picture)

I look out towards the fountain in the middle of the pond, "Thank you God for the water that can dance the way it does" (click- once again)

I walk over to a tree and notice a single orange leaf in the midst of the green ones, "God, thank you for your creativity of seasons changing colors" (click-...oh wait I must take another picture from another angle..I get closer... click) And as I'm doing this..I'm not paying attention to where I'm stepping....

 I start over to where a bench is close to the water "Thank you God for moments when I can sit on that bench and talk to You" (click-I take a picture)...."OUCH" (is there a sticker around my foot?..I look down,...my pants are animated with hundreds of ants crawling all over me!

I know to stay as calm as I can, or they are all going to start biting... slowing I start removing them.. of course they don't like my disturbance (and they didn't like it when I stepped on their home earlier either).  They start to bite me more and on my hand.  At this point I can definitely say, 'I have ants in my pants' because I really do, and in my sock and now on my hands crawling up my arm...

In the midst of all this, the main thing on my mind was a great sigh to the fact that I HAD TO end my special little walk with God for the afternoon.

And as I was walking back to my car in agony, I was thinking... why was I having such a good time enjoying His beauty...and then..the ant attack had to happen... but then I started thinking about the ants..they are God's also... Ants were defending themselves, God designed them to be that way... and in much of God's design, there is much evidence that He is not just limited to being BEAUTIFUL..but also MIGHTY.  I think of His lightening, His thunder, His earthquakes,... He is a God the Romancer.... He is also God the Mighty Master and Creator.  and He is to be revered as much as adored.

Epilouge to my story:  I made it home safe, dosed up on Benedryl, took a long nap, and am now in good condition. ;)

Broken Vessel

A broken vessel
here I wrestle

why do I suck it in
try to pretend

here and now
You show me how

a vessel full of my failures
giving mine ...are now yours

oh how can this be
that you would look upon me

that you would love me
that you would count me

as one of your own
I'm not left alone

on my last string
its hope you bring

hope to carry on
in my heart's a song

this vessel so broken
is just the token

for you to take
and to make

me new again
from your hand

none can compare
to you

meet the ARTIST

One summer I got  to help out with the booths at a Rebecca St. James concert.  I started talking with the lady who was in charge of the booth.  I shared my testimony with her, talked with her about why Rebecca St. James has been such an inspiration on my life and some of the songs she created and sang.  The lady said, would you like to meet with her and share your story with her.. (I was thinking to myself, surely enough this lady is joking).  She informed me that her daughter was a back up singer for Rebecca and knew she could make it happen. ( I was bubbling on the inside with excitement... not that I idolize her, with her being just as human as me... but to meet the artist of  the songs that touched my heart and helped me grow..I felt like this would be the best honor).



After the concert, the lady took me behind the desks where she was signing autographs and we stood there and talked, and I shared with her my story, she shared with me some about her music. There was something about that moment, about meeting the ARTIST, the creator of the music, "the one" who designed that song itself.. makes that moment even more honoring.

Have you ever had that happen where you meet the one who wrote the book, sang the song, composed the piece, painted the painting, ...?  It becomes more personal.

For You and Me:  Now...can you imagine...meeting the ARTIST, ..the CREATOR,  of YOU?  The one who design the hairs on your head, the length of your nose, the color of your eyes, the personality of your mind, the talents of your heart... That creator being THE creator, the Lord God Almighty... Can you imagine?

With the opportunity... a gift for you to recieve...that being salvation:  there is immediate access to conversing with the ARTIST, God Himself...and soon to come..meeting HIM face to face...

"Got Plans?"

When I was counceling at a church camp one summer a church gave me one of their T-shirts that say on the back "Got Plans?" and on the front it says, "29:11"

Just to inform what that means: 
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a futre and a hope."- Jeremiah 29:11

A "declaration of the Lord" that I hold dear to my heart.

Plans are something we make every day.  I plan on going grocery shopping today, I plan on going to the bank tomorrow... i plan on going to college, I plan on getting married some day, I plan on traveling the world, .. my plans are to...

If I were to dissect my life, look at it every step of the way,... it is nothing like I planned.  I never became a marine biologist, I never married Jonathan Taylor Thomas, I never became a movie star, and I never owned a mitsubishi eclipse.  I am laughing at what I just wrote... those were my plans in the 5th grade.  I know thats a bit on the silly side but ...seriously... we hope...we dream...we think we know whats best...but things change... life happens..and God has much more in store.

On a more serious note:  I NEVER thought I would go to Russia, in fact that was one of the last places on earth I wanted to travel to, but I'm happy to say that I was wrong... and this is a perfect example of how...we make plans...but God has BETTER plans.  Now I look back on my time in Russia, and think, where would I be now if I DIDN'T GO to Russia?  God knew that it would help me grow, it would change my life, and I would meet some pretty amazing children of God over there.

What God has in store for me now, I do not know, but 2 things:
1.  I will continue to make plans and God will direct my path (Proverbs 16:9)
2.  I will not stay in the past, but look forward (Philippians 3:13)

For you and me:  Do you have plans?  I was having coffee talk with my grandmother the other day and said that all the things that have happened in my life, I would never take them back and God has definitely had "What is BEST" in mind, instead of "what is GOOD or PLEASURABLE".  I am thankful again and again that my plans constantly change due to God intervening.  Allow God to change your plans.. Call on Him, sit with Him, ask Him for wisdom, ask Him for contentment where your at, ask Him to strengthen your HOPE where you stand right now... cuz He ain't through with you yet... you are precious to HIM.

Audience Of One

Audience of One- by Big Daddy Weave

Good song of prayer..a time for you and God

.... To Pray

Webster Dictionary Definition of PRAY:
-verb (used with object)
1.  to offer devout petition, praise, thanks, etc., to (God or an object of worship)
2.  to offer (a prayer)
3.  to bring, put, etc.,
4.  to make earnest petition to (a person)
5.  to make petition or entreety for; crave
6.  to enter into spiritual communion with God or an object of worship
through prayer.

After a conversation with a friend who is burdened with many things in her life, or a neighbor who just lost his mother, or a family member struggling with a decision to make..etc... you say those famous words..

"I WILL PRAY FOR YOU"

or even better..
"I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU"

I only discuss this because I have found myself in this very rut before and its not a happy place to be.  It is easy to get caught up with trying to be caring and compassionate towards other people.. You want to be there for them, care for them, do for them... but the most powerful thing to do is PRAY for them.  So when you say PRAY, what are you commiting to do?  Are you commiting to "mention" their name in your "prayers" when you say "dear LORD" and "AMEN"?

Look back at the definition of PRAY and see if thats what you do..
1.  I will "offer devout petition" to my Father on behalf of your situation.
2.  I will "bring" to the conversation your request to God.
3.  I will make an "earnest petition" to God
.....etc.

PRAYER is definitely not a time of reciting a beautiful poem, it is a conversation, a petition, an entreaty, a communion with your Creator.  It is a time of coming face to face with God.

Its more intimate than texting, or talking on the phone, its coming before the Lord, God, (the One who made those very hairs on your head) and coming to HIM vulnerable with your petition, or others.

Prayer is also a time of communicating a time of thankfulness and rejoicing.  I would find it depressing and disapointing if my creation only came to me complaining and asking for "favors"  Oh how wonderful it would be to give complements to God and tell Him how wonderful He is, and thank Him for what He has done, and Who He is to the fullest.

For You and Me:  Lets rethink what our idea of Prayer really is, and take action to what it really is suppose to do.  One side note:  also think about where and how you pray.  Every person is different, but something I recommend... is to actually find a secluded place all by yourself to be completely alone... to be alone with your Creator, that will give you an opportunity to be even more real with now distactions around you.  And never "pray" to show off.

"But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret.  And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.  And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words.  Do not be like them for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." - Matthew 6: 6-8

Let's Go for a Drive

Lord I have things on my mind
Let's go for a drive
I'll grab my keys
what time is it?...5?
A.M

Oh well
Let's still go
just you and me Lord
on the road

Dawn is just starting to wake
the stars are fading out
my heart and mind are turning
"what's this all about?"

the windows are down
your crisp air pours in
filling my lungs
this morning 5 A.M.

I push on the gas
speeding down the trail
some back road to neverland
like a kite I sail

My worries are fading
The speedometer is climbing
its you and me lord
and peace I am finding

we duke it out in this 5am trip
to who knows where
but its a place where I'm real
my savior and I a pair

In my shortcomings,
You take me as I am
You give me a hope
you grab my hand

Time to drive back home
The sun is starting to rise
The stars a gone now
like my troubles to my surprise

Back home I drive
Just you and me
now its 8 AM
I think Ill go for coffee

Just you and me
I'll pour a cup
sit on my porch with you
and watch the sun come up


To aGod who never sleeps
thanks for the drive at 5 AM
I know I can surrender to you
Another day we will drive again